I’m currently sitting in my car in the garage enjoying the static of the radio and the silence of all the other elements. It’s moments like these I savor most. Ever pause and try to merely exist? Ever try to be so in sync with oneself that you can actually feel the touch of your fingertips on your body the same way you feel the surface of material things? Try it. Feel. Breathe. Live.
I took a very necessary hiatus for a few days. I removed all social media apps from my phone and simply unplugged. I didn’t give much of an explanation to anyone and just disappeared into my own existence.
I needed to reset down to the very core of my being. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in this world and lose grip of who you are, what you value and your foundation. I prayed, I danced in the middle of my living room in my underwear to my favorite song, painted and sat and stared at a wall in complete silence and it all felt wonderful. In the midst of those things I was able to re-evaluate my actions as of late and re-visit goals made but not yet met and place myself back on the correct path.
During my hiatus I realized that I am very much a part of the beautiful wonders of this world and needed to start living with that as my foundation again. I feel rejuvenated and vow to always reset when I get lost in the shuffle. I truly recommend it to any and everyone. Its never too late to go back to who you are.
“Everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” -Anne Lamott
I don’t feel like I belong. My relationship with my mother is non existent. After years of daydreaming about what our reunion would be like I was crushed when she told me our encounter was fake. My relationship with my stepmom is strained and only goes as deep as my efforts and my heart has grown weary of the many failed attempts to re-establish a connection. My best friend shared her family with me very openly initially but after a very tough but necessary conversation about boundaries I find myself straddling those lines and relationships cautiously for fear of offending once more. My siblings are off in different places building lives and families with their significant others, as they should. Within my small circle of girlfriends I feel like the odd woman out. Partly because I’m in another city and often hear significant stories seemingly only as a courtesy when I’m physically present. My love doesn’t facilitate relationships between myself and his family and my own efforts to build a deeper bond are often stifled.
I long for that mother-daughter relationship. I long for a family bond without secrets or boundaries. I long for transparent friendships. I long to truly belong to someone, anyone.
I love poetry. I love words. There is so much power in them. Words can be as beautiful as the stroke of a paintbrush. I’m falling in love all over again with art in all forms. As of late, poets have been my muse. I find myself truly enamored by the way others, like myself, play with words and design and align them into such beauty. I’m also listening to music with the ears of a poet. Listening to the lines in the same way I’d trace my fingers across a painting in an effort to truly feel the work of art. It’s all just so beautiful!
“She never looked nice. She looked like art and wasn’t supposed to look nice. It was supposed to make you feel something.” – Rainbow Rowell
At 6:38 yesterday evening I glanced up at the sky on my way home and witnessed the full moon. This morning I was running a few minutes late. I looked up and saw Mr. Moon providing morning light while the sun slept in. I looked down at my clock and it read 6:38 am…
“I believe that one of the most valuable gifts you can give yourself is time. Taking time to be more fully present. Your journey to become inspired and more connected to the greater world around us starts right now.” – Oprah Winfrey
I am no longer simply living. I am finally present. I have been reflecting on life lately. Thinking about all the things I have done. Everything is but a vague memory. I realized that I hardly live in the moment. Especially with the prevalence of smart phones and social media. The picture becomes more important than the moment. I also tend to live for tomorrow as if it was rightly promised. If I were to say I had any regrets in life it would be that I wasn’t always fully present. I didn’t bask in the moments I’ve been blessed with. I am however elated that I can recognize this hindrance at a tender age. Moving forward I commit to not only living but being fully present “and connected to the greater world around us” while truly basking in life’s most beautiful moments.
There is just something about the moon that just puts me in a trance. Its quite therapeutic. Like tonight, usually I catch the moon when I’m driving home. However, I’m driving west in the opposite direction and it seems as if the moon is directly in front of me. I know in essence it “moves” or rather the earth rotates and all that good stuff but there is something more comforting in believing that the moon simply follows and guides me. Especially in the wee hours of the night.
He’s just a half moon tonight yet still as gorgeous as the fullness I adore. Today has been a very great day full of blessings and new beginnings. I feel very much like the half moon tonight who hasn’t quite reached its full potential but I know that when it does it will shine so bright. I’ve peeled back another layer of myself and I can’t wait to eventually shine as bright as my full Mr. Moon. In the meantime, I’ll continue to admire and appreciate my half moon both literally and figuratively.
Closed my eyes and kept thinking of you.
I wanted to say this before I doze off.
I like the comfort you provide.
Being myself and expressing the thoughts
that reveal my ability to be selfish,
or painting myself in a not so good light,
or sharing my fears with you,
comes with ease, no effort, nothing forced.
Thus far, it’s what I find most attractive.
I like you more than I did yesterday.
“Commending the victims to almighty God’s mercy, I implore his strength upon all involved in rescue efforts and in caring for the survivors.” — Pope John Paul II, Sept. 11.
It was the first semester of my senior year of high school and I was in English class. The principal made an announcement I didn’t listen to and then the TV in our classroom began broadcasting what was happening. I sat on top of my desk for some reason. I was really intrigued, terrified and confused and couldn’t turn away. I immediately thought of all my family in NY. My grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins and wondered if they were OK. I wasn’t one of the cool kids with a cell phone so I couldn’t call my mom to ask or get any sort of update. I recall going home after school and watching the footage over and over and over. The sight of the 2nd plane hitting the towers still gives me chills to this day and every single time I hear a plane flying over head while at home I fear it may be another attack.
On this day, I pray for the families still mourning and for those still suffering the residuals of that day. I pray for the troops overseas who are fighting a seemingly never ending battle and as cheesy as this may sound I truly pray for peace. God Bless!