I’m currently sitting in my car in the garage enjoying the static of the radio and the silence of all the other elements. It’s moments like these I savor most. Ever pause and try to merely exist? Ever try to be so in sync with oneself that you can actually feel the touch of your fingertips on your body the same way you feel the surface of material things? Try it. Feel. Breathe. Live.
I took a very necessary hiatus for a few days. I removed all social media apps from my phone and simply unplugged. I didn’t give much of an explanation to anyone and just disappeared into my own existence.
I needed to reset down to the very core of my being. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in this world and lose grip of who you are, what you value and your foundation. I prayed, I danced in the middle of my living room in my underwear to my favorite song, painted and sat and stared at a wall in complete silence and it all felt wonderful. In the midst of those things I was able to re-evaluate my actions as of late and re-visit goals made but not yet met and place myself back on the correct path.
During my hiatus I realized that I am very much a part of the beautiful wonders of this world and needed to start living with that as my foundation again. I feel rejuvenated and vow to always reset when I get lost in the shuffle. I truly recommend it to any and everyone. Its never too late to go back to who you are.
“Everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” -Anne Lamott
I don’t feel like I belong. My relationship with my mother is non existent. After years of daydreaming about what our reunion would be like I was crushed when she told me our encounter was fake. My relationship with my stepmom is strained and only goes as deep as my efforts and my heart has grown weary of the many failed attempts to re-establish a connection. My best friend shared her family with me very openly initially but after a very tough but necessary conversation about boundaries I find myself straddling those lines and relationships cautiously for fear of offending once more. My siblings are off in different places building lives and families with their significant others, as they should. Within my small circle of girlfriends I feel like the odd woman out. Partly because I’m in another city and often hear significant stories seemingly only as a courtesy when I’m physically present. My love doesn’t facilitate relationships between myself and his family and my own efforts to build a deeper bond are often stifled.
I long for that mother-daughter relationship. I long for a family bond without secrets or boundaries. I long for transparent friendships. I long to truly belong to someone, anyone.
I love poetry. I love words. There is so much power in them. Words can be as beautiful as the stroke of a paintbrush. I’m falling in love all over again with art in all forms. As of late, poets have been my muse. I find myself truly enamored by the way others, like myself, play with words and design and align them into such beauty. I’m also listening to music with the ears of a poet. Listening to the lines in the same way I’d trace my fingers across a painting in an effort to truly feel the work of art. It’s all just so beautiful!
“She never looked nice. She looked like art and wasn’t supposed to look nice. It was supposed to make you feel something.” – Rainbow Rowell
At 6:38 yesterday evening I glanced up at the sky on my way home and witnessed the full moon. This morning I was running a few minutes late. I looked up and saw Mr. Moon providing morning light while the sun slept in. I looked down at my clock and it read 6:38 am…
I pray I’m enough
When nice booties and perky tits
dance across your social media timeline
In an effort to entice you with a fun time
I’m pray my adoration is enough
When your hairline recedes back in time
And your gut tries to cut the line
I pray my listening ear is enough
When the world tries to beat you down
And your friends are nowhere to be found.
I pray I’m enough.
Maybe I want you to suffer a little bit.
Maybe I want you to feel one ounce
of the pain you may have caused me.
Maybe I want you to go out of
your comfort zone to make me feel
comfortable in this relationship again
Because YOU created this distrust.
Maybe I want you to swallow your pride,
let go of your balls and kiss my feet
in an effort to show that you care beyond
the shadow of MY doubts.
I want a love like no other
A love that makes my
entire being burn with
extreme pleasure and gorgeous joy
I want a love so deep
I can drown in it
A love that makes me…
Quiver in the peek of heat
A love that makes my
heart sing sweet sweet
I want a love that loves me
strongly, sweetly, constantly
always and forever
Does it exist?
“I believe that one of the most valuable gifts you can give yourself is time. Taking time to be more fully present. Your journey to become inspired and more connected to the greater world around us starts right now.” – Oprah Winfrey
I am no longer simply living. I am finally present. I have been reflecting on life lately. Thinking about all the things I have done. Everything is but a vague memory. I realized that I hardly live in the moment. Especially with the prevalence of smart phones and social media. The picture becomes more important than the moment. I also tend to live for tomorrow as if it was rightly promised. If I were to say I had any regrets in life it would be that I wasn’t always fully present. I didn’t bask in the moments I’ve been blessed with. I am however elated that I can recognize this hindrance at a tender age. Moving forward I commit to not only living but being fully present “and connected to the greater world around us” while truly basking in life’s most beautiful moments.
You drew me in instantaneously
and captured my attention with words,
intellectual words, intriguing words, sweet words.
It wasn’t long before I found myself falling for…
You telling me how beautiful I was
How amazing you found my body to be
How much you thought of me daily.
I began falling for…
Your good morning texts, our afternoon chats,
your sweet goodnight phone calls.
I began falling for…
Your plans for a future with me
Your plans to “make me your lady”
Your plans for an intense love until we die,
“physically, mentally and spiritually”.
You asked that I be vulnerable
and ready to fall in love, no guards
So I began falling for…
Words that held no meaning.
Words that preceded no actions.
Words that still gave me butterflies
Words that had me falling for a fable.